family affair;

i feel so ashame of myself.

when i went to study overseas, all i could think about is ME.

i can't see my family members 24/7. i can't see ethan. i can't hang out with my friends. i can't walk on orchard road. i can't go to hebron church. i can't eat chao kuey tiao and laksa. i can't do this, i can't do that.

and this is all about ME.

i never get to know this fact until today. mum called me and we had a long chat, and i finally told her my tacky sticky situation in japan. she consoled me, encouraged me and most importantly, believed in me. some of eu might said, "but she's euur mum! she SHOULD believe eu."

but at the same time, i remembered when i was a kid, i lied alot and got into trouble to seek attention from my parents. again, its all about ME. my parents didn't give enough attention to me. my parents are not there for me when i need them. my parents only care about work. and so on.

so, havin my parents to trust me time and time again, even though i got into real hugeass trouble, was like, a bonus. they could easily give me up, but no they didn't. instead, they give in to me, push me forward and never once make me feel that imma alone when a situation arised.

so when yesterday's things occurred, i was in a dilemma. should i tell my mum? what if she got worried? what's the point of tellin her? but in the end, i gave up and i told her everythin. of my misery, of my bitterness, of my unfair treatments. what i didn't expected, was when she said this.

"i'd always blamed myself, because i sent eu to overseas too early. back in primary to secondary school days, we didn't get to see each other alot. eu had school and trainings, and i had to work so we could support euur studies. eu were only 16 when eu went to japan. other kids are still sweet-talkin with their parents, dependin on them alot but eu were out there alone, facing the cold world at only 16. i felt so bad for not being there everytime eu got misunderstood, when eu are stressed, and when eu are sad. i felt like i failed as a mother."

eu guys had no idea how MUCH i cried when i heard that [or when imma typin this]. it's like, i always thought the big deal was me. i had NEVER spare a thought for my parents, who didn't get to be with their ONLY child all the time, who didn't get to eat somethin the child cooked for them, or even hear the words, "mummmyyy~ dadddaayy~" all the time. i took them for granted unknowingly and i never know that while i was feelin miserable, my parents too, 3948204 times more than me.

when people asked me what kind of family i have, i always give the same answer, "i have a very nice lovin family. imma very lucky." and i MEANT it. but now, i have a whole lots of new definition when it comes to the term lucky. imma not only lucky, imma blessed and i totally don't deserve anythin that they do for me. even though i rant to rence for 389754294 times, expressin displease with my family, deep down, i lurfe them alot. a whole lot.

thanks mummay and dadday. eu guys make me the happiest child on earth. i lurfe eu.

*mwahs @ 11:43 AM